Friday, 27 January 2017

5 joys number 7

1) Oh dad, mum's gonna get jealous as you're starring at the top again! But we did it! We bought my scooter! Another fun day on Sunday out on the bikes all afternoon and the rain even held off until we go home and then it started again!

2) Miranda's little sister Louisa got engaged to Steve and we had the party last Saturday. I like nothing better than yummy cakes, sandwiches and tea so this was a good little party. Congratulations to the happy couple!

3) I still can't find the words to describe what Amber Riley's vocals did to my senses on Saturday night when we went to see Dreamgirls. My friend Lesley described it really well on my Facebook. "I felt as though I'd been punched in my solar plexus & was pinned to my seat. Quite stunning." The show was such a drama to get to on time after the engagement party but we arrived at the theatre on time, and from the second the curtains were up and she opened her mouth to sing, I tingled and it didn't stop the whole way through. There were tears from the man next to us and at the interval Miranda and I had to go outside for some fresh air. We just stood in silence not knowing what to say to each other. I'll remember it forever and would see it again in a heartbeat.

4) I got a full length mirror. This may not seem like a big joy to anyone else but for me it is, I moved into my flat on the 26th of November last year and have been trying to work out what my outfits look like from a reflection in some warped door window glass.... basically I couldn't get dressed into anything other than jeans and a T-shirt because I was scared I'd look like a freak!

5) Drinks with the work team on Friday were lovely. Got a couple of new people started and taking them out for a pint and a little bond after work on a Friday is such a lovely way to get to know each other.

5 joys number 6

1) My first joy of the week is girlfriends. Despite the fact that I get on with more men than women and I'm surrounded by men every day with limited female contact, there is the disappointment that comes with having so many men around me who aren't quite on the same emotional level, and sometimes that can make life hard! (brace yourself men if you are reading this, yes it's a broad statement and yes, it might hurt but it does apply to most of you that are in my life!) They aren't as loyal or emotional, they are forgetful and they never treat me that nicely or carefully, well not as much as the girls anyway, girls just are better at that stuff. So it's something I have to live with and get the girl time when I can!

So I am joyful, because this week my ladies have been amazing when I've been feeling so rubbish about myself and it was amplified by having the annoying boys around!  Sian came in at a good time and spent 24 hours listening to my woes and building me a beautiful mosaic. Miranda also called to check on me the other night and we ended up in a 2.5 hour conversation similar to that of when we were teenagers. I followed that with a FaceTime to my girl Jaye in New Zealand who was as glamorous as ever and has always been there for me since we met 5 years ago in New Zealand, followed by another hilarious face time with her on Sunday night for over an hour when she had been up partying all night! Amy also facetimed me at work this morning with her lovely pink hair. She always remembers and thinks of me. Big love for these ladies and how they've come through for me recently even if it does mean a few late nights!

2) My dad. Sometimes when you're having a bad week and things get on top of you and you're on the M1 having a little cry in the service station, you just have to call dad, even if you are a very grown up 34 years old. He's comforting and knows just the right things to say and he makes you come over to his house for a ride on the back of his scooter in the winter sunshine, freezing your butt off, pushing the adrenaline up and finishing with a nice glass of red wine in a warm country pub. Then he gives you a nice album of music he bought for you afterwards. I'm such a daddy's girl....

3) That nicely leads into my next joy. I bought a scooter! We went out for a ride on Saturday and I bought this little number. Now I can join his scooter rides and so can Miranda and Louise who just bought a vespa. Yuss! Makes doing my CBT worthwhile! Here's a still from the video dad took of me on it. I can't wait for the Summer! Not sure if I'll actually commute to central London but you never know!

4) Sunday cooking again. This needs to be a regular tradition in my house and I think it might be. I have so little time to cook for just myself, or anyone else and Sunday is the perfect day. Mum has started popping over when she finishes teaching so that I can feed her leftovers or feed her at the same time, depending on what we're having. This week we cooked a huge batch of chilli, followed by a chocolate cake served warm with ice cream. So good!

5) Moana, what a lovely movie! A Disney film with a gorgeous story, a strong female character, beautiful animation and no silly love story! Fave film of the week and a warm fuzzy on Saturday night with a glass of wine.

This is quite a female strong post, apart from the comments about my dad. Great one as it was women's day at the weekend and all those wonderful marches happened!


Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Myers Briggs Test

So I did a Meyer Briggs personality test thing and I got my result. Apparently I'm an ESFJ

I took the test here: and this was my result which I just wanted to record somewhere because I actually found this one quite interesting.


Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging 
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes. 
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others. 
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all. 
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
(ESFJ stands for Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)

Friday, 13 January 2017

5 joys number 5

1) I cooked the first roast since I've been in the new flat. Chicken, stuffing, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, triple chocolate trifle from Tesco with Raspberries for dessert... I'm not saying it was all made from scratch, there was a little pre-bought cheating but I'm not claiming to be Martha Stewart!
It started with a lovely dog walk, which ended in the local pub with a pint. Then we headed to mine and cooked. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday, Ali and I killed it and the roast was perfectly timed and everything... high fives all round!

2) My friend who has been ill for years, it's one of those you have for life, finally got a diagnosis. No details because it's her private life but it was a big sigh of relief to finally know.

3) I went to my first work "networking event" on my own without another friend or colleague, by choice! And I enjoyed it! Everyone gets nervous about these things right? And it's a good feeling when you make a few friends over a glass of wine and leave feeling like you might have met some new friends.

4) Money for Nothing on BBC one is my new discovery. I can't wait for the new series, it's hugely inspiring for me and has put me right in the spirit of being creative. I have a lot of project ideas on the go.

5) The Halcyon - I couldn't be prouder. Those who know me well will also know that I don't often make a point of watching the programmes I've produced on, but I love it! It makes me so proud to have been a part of the process of making it. Also the soundtrack is brill and has new songs from Jamie Callum and Beverly Knight. Seriously, if you haven't watched it yet, catch up on ITV player and get in with the rest of the UK, everyone's talking about it!

PS all photos were stolen from google this week. I did not take a photo of my chicken, I just wanted to decorate the post!

Thursday, 12 January 2017


Anxiety is not a nice feeling. It can come out of nowhere, your heart starts beating fast, you have butterflies in your stomach and you don't know why  you can't get rid of it as hard as you try. You close your eyes, take deep breaths and try to focus but nothing works. What do you do?

Up until a couple of years ago, I never felt anything like an anxiety attack, nerves going on stage for definite, but not proper anxiety. Then I started feeling some flutters in my time off work when I was taking a break from my job, I think it was related to going out but I put it down to the stress and bullying in the previous year which had made me take the break, and usually I could breathe through it and it would go away, I knew I was safe at home.

I had my first attack outside the house just over a year ago just as I was thinking about going back to work. I was going to my first work/industry related party after nearly a year and as I walked down the road, it gripped me. I started to feel panicky and I wanted to turn around and go back to the station, get on a train and go home. The internal monologue started and I asked myself "why?" A friend had invited me, I was comfortable with that, I knew some people there and I've never been nervous about that sort of thing in the past. Luckily, fate stepped in and just as I started to think the feeling couldn't get any worse, a guy stopped me and asked for a light for his cigarette and it was an old work colleague who I knew. I immediately snapped out of the feeling distracted by greeting him and it didn't return. I went on to my party and enjoyed the evening.

I've started to get anxiety sometimes in work and it won't shake off very fast. I know the root of the problem, but that's the thing with anxiety, you can't shake it. My gut seems to rule over my brain.

Today I sat in the toilet and took deep breaths. I also went for a walk. Now I'm trying to eat something and limit my caffeine intake for the rest of the day as my heart won't stop pounding.

I write this not for sympathy. I'm writing it because I want other people to know it isn't a weakness, as I always feel it is. I feel like I'm failing and I'm not good enough, strong enough or clever enough to battle it. I want other people to feel comforted by the fact that someone like me who they all think is outwardly confident and fine with everything life throws at me, can get torn up inside and let emotion overrule rationality.

Writing this post has helped me feel a little better today so if it's achieved anything, it's eased the horrible feeling I've had inside for the last hour, and hopefully, it might bring some light to someone else's day, who is struggling, googles anxiety and reads this.

I am a normal, sorted person with a great life and great job and I have anxiety. It's ok.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

5 joys number 4

This last few weeks have been filled with the things of joyfulness, how could it not be over Christmas and New Year?! This blog is a little late, but hopefully it will give me more to condense into the next one. I'm not even including photos this week!

1) I made a party! I mean, we made a party... me and the other work chummies, but it was an actual success! People came, they drank, and no-one destroyed the office. We were all suitably hungover the next day and ate all of the junk food, which seems to have been a common theme this month. Christmas Parties. Love 'em. I think I might be a stone heavier now it's Jan though...

2) A Christmas Carol - Mum and I went to a one off performance with Carrie Fletcher, Giovanna Fletcher and Robert Lindsay in it. It was a showcase for The London Musical Theatre Orchestra more than anything, but Carrie Fletcher's voice sends shivers down my spine and Robert Lindsay was just fantastic as Scrooge. I felt truly festive afterwards. That may have been helped by the 3 glasses of Red Wine I drank while I was there.... Rip off glasses at London theatre prices (£11 a glass anyone? £11 fucking pounds a glass?!!) but tasty ones! I also took the little sister to see The Bodyguard which I thought would be shit, but actually really wasn't! It was like watching a really good Beverly Knight gig with a cheesy script around it, not too bad, I enjoyed it for the most part! Giggled at the cheesy bits.

3) Everyone coming round to my new flat. It's a great little flat for entertaining and everyone seems to enjoy it! I've had 4 sleepovers in a month and loads of friends over, it's a really sociable and cosy place! We had New Year and played some board games and strung up the fairy lights. Lush!

4) Sensing a Christmas Theme here? Christmas lunches! I had my second one of December, the first one was the BGCG one, and then we had one at work. Just a pub lunch, you know? But it's rare we all sit round a table and eat together. Then Christmas dinner which ended up being the most hilarious ever with mum managing to cook the turkey upside down and the dogs stealing the brussel sprouts!

5) We finished work for a week and a half! A whole week and a half off?! That's the longest I've had since February. I sat on my arse and watched few series back to back and had some very productive time round the flat and did some sale shopping. It was awesome!  (hopefully my flat shall look lovely enough to post some photos soon!

Hope you all had the most wonderful Christmases and that it brought you all joy. Onto some delayed resolutions now! :)